it's funny now, 
how when I looked into benches in my terrace, all the scenes are rewinding 

there, on the bench, we talked about everything
there, on the bench, you were joking around
there, on the bench, the night temperature wasn't a matter
there, on the bench, you stood up holding a birthday cake
then there, on the bench, you reveal me your dishonest
also surprised me with that funny giraffe
there, on the bench, I slap you then laughing out loud
there, on the bench, you poked me back
there, on the bench, you said you are about to have a college test soon
and now I was saying that so
there, on the bench, I always pick the leaf, chop it, and throw it to you
there, on the bench, you were wondering why did there's no fish in the pond
there, on the bench, you said I'm going more blubbery
then I said you're too thin
there, on the bench, you played my hair
and I always said 'don't be jealous of my hair, cause it grows down, not up like yours'
there, on the bench, we were waiting for the rain off
there, on the bench, we shared our dreams
there, on the bench, silence never harm the convenience
...



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two years of lebaran

one shot in mudik days; in family's car; in the middle of traffic jam;
 a year ago

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words, stories, thoughts. all from my dizzy temple

ever know that words are swords.
and now, after that plenty of times, I find again that this quote is simply true

say what you need to say, not what you want to say.
because, maybe what we want isn't mutually good for what we need. say what we need to say means holding our passion to talk about anything, that may, be a secret. say what we need to say, not talking too much, because once you're wrong, it may kills you. even for a second.

shares story with God
feeling unconvenient to tell my stories, uhm, problems explicitly about what I feel don't ever mean that I don't need a place to say it out loud. but, need a place also don't have a meaning that its place would given to a human, no. I'd rather to reveal it to God, since I have faith that God always see what we've did, always listening, always understanding. shares story with God commonly filled with tears and anger, where I sometimes just laying on the floor after the pray, and let the tears fell down my face. God never give me any advice, God never give me an instant solvement, and also God never ever say a word to me, as if I tell story to my friends. But, magically, without that clarity, I feel relieve. The value is not about the answer, but about the feeling I get, that God surely listens. The contemplation that really save me from being out of line.

not that I do not believe
I like you guys, parents, sister. sometimes I'm being too weird, if I had a problem. It doesn't reflect my belief to you, I'm surely believe you guys. I know you may hear me, you would like to solve the problem too, helps me. But it's all just about the comfort, the convenience, not the trust. And, however I'm moving forward, not as introvert as before hehe

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Randomly talking like an ass. Based on my body's temper. Not really well. And my thoughts, that's also a bit sick haha have fun, the Lebaran Day is coming :D woo hoo


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