feeling worse

never expect anything.

I never ask you to do this, do that.
never want too much.
never ask too much
never order too much
never be too sensitive
never be too angry
never be too tricky
never be too dependant
never be too careful.

but I've been too sure

I'm the mrs. brighside. I've been her. But I'll be her no more.
thought I've knew you well. but actually, I just don't. 
I don't want you to be mr. perfect, I never wanted that. you're what you are and nothing I need to ask more. I never aim too high, wanting so much things from you. I like what you are. But why'd you have to do this. do the thing I don't like. one small thing that you did so easily without realizing what could my feeling be when I knew it. 

The more I think about it, the more this heart trembled.
I'm not a typical of person that could easily forget bad memories. I may looked in a state, looked like I could accept it. but deep inside, still I think about it. it's always been like that. forgive, but not forget. and in this case, I couldn't mend my thoughts. so many question that makin me feel worse. why did I'm so sure that you are good behind me? why did you do that? did you care of me? am I too foolish, or it's you that's too smart? am I that careless? it's all still cyclin in my brain. you couldn't force me to trust you a hundred percent.

what you did isn't the main point. the way you disgress my trust is.

lesson's learned


it's funny now, 
how when I looked into benches in my terrace, all the scenes are rewinding 

there, on the bench, we talked about everything
there, on the bench, you were joking around
there, on the bench, the night temperature wasn't a matter
there, on the bench, you stood up holding a birthday cake
then there, on the bench, you reveal me your dishonest
also surprised me with that funny giraffe
there, on the bench, I slap you then laughing out loud
there, on the bench, you poked me back
there, on the bench, you said you are about to have a college test soon
and now I was saying that so
there, on the bench, I always pick the leaf, chop it, and throw it to you
there, on the bench, you were wondering why did there's no fish in the pond
there, on the bench, you said I'm going more blubbery
then I said you're too thin
there, on the bench, you played my hair
and I always said 'don't be jealous of my hair, cause it grows down, not up like yours'
there, on the bench, we were waiting for the rain off
there, on the bench, we shared our dreams
there, on the bench, silence never harm the convenience



two years of lebaran

one shot in mudik days; in family's car; in the middle of traffic jam;
 a year ago



words, stories, thoughts. all from my dizzy temple

ever know that words are swords.
and now, after that plenty of times, I find again that this quote is simply true

say what you need to say, not what you want to say.
because, maybe what we want isn't mutually good for what we need. say what we need to say means holding our passion to talk about anything, that may, be a secret. say what we need to say, not talking too much, because once you're wrong, it may kills you. even for a second.

shares story with God
feeling unconvenient to tell my stories, uhm, problems explicitly about what I feel don't ever mean that I don't need a place to say it out loud. but, need a place also don't have a meaning that its place would given to a human, no. I'd rather to reveal it to God, since I have faith that God always see what we've did, always listening, always understanding. shares story with God commonly filled with tears and anger, where I sometimes just laying on the floor after the pray, and let the tears fell down my face. God never give me any advice, God never give me an instant solvement, and also God never ever say a word to me, as if I tell story to my friends. But, magically, without that clarity, I feel relieve. The value is not about the answer, but about the feeling I get, that God surely listens. The contemplation that really save me from being out of line.

not that I do not believe
I like you guys, parents, sister. sometimes I'm being too weird, if I had a problem. It doesn't reflect my belief to you, I'm surely believe you guys. I know you may hear me, you would like to solve the problem too, helps me. But it's all just about the comfort, the convenience, not the trust. And, however I'm moving forward, not as introvert as before hehe

Randomly talking like an ass. Based on my body's temper. Not really well. And my thoughts, that's also a bit sick haha have fun, the Lebaran Day is coming :D woo hoo



I want to see m o r e.

I'm sixteen now. And there's so much things I want to do, so much things I eager to know, so much things I want to show and gazillion I want to learn. I'm thirst for that adventure. My life's good but it's not a sin for wanting more, rite?. I want experiences. Backpacking w/ some friends, ride a car by my own, go to Kalimantan, Lombok, Middle East, and Russia. I want 'em all!
I want to fill my bedroom's wall with my own sketch, buy some roses and place it near my window then smell them every morning. And I want to plant a sunflower on my little garden's soil, want to add some fish into the pond, want to place a bouquet of lavender in the dining room. I want to make a lampoon, a red one, to lit my night so I wouldn't feel alone hahaha
I'm stuck rite now.
I've done some things but I consider so well that those things are not enough. I'll live maximally for about 90 years again, and could be productively having fun for about 8 years then I'll get married (whwhwhat?) --" so, wish me luck to enjoy all of this! as you know, we only live o n c e.



in my cocoon. bored to death.

I'll post this one in Indonesian :)
sekarang saya sedang di kamar, di hari kedua ramadhan taun ini, ditengah matahari yang lagi jion sama bumi, dan saya sedang bosan akut. a long term boredom.. 
"I've nothing to do and I hate that. 
because usually I always had any idea what about to do, 
and I now I just don't" 

males banget menghadapi siang - siang seperti ini. sebenernya kalo ngaji dan belajar malah lebih berpahala ya dibanding nggrundel di blog aaa tapi yaudah lah, namanya juga lagi jauh sama mood bagus. jadi akhirnya saya berakhir diantara picture file saya saat liburan ke Bogor dan Jakarta, actually when I'm pretending to be a master of enviroment and landscape engineer :DDD dengan sedikit sotoshoppin, jadilah beberapa pict ini. here, enjoy :)

jakarta's afternoon polluted sky
the high and the low. capitalism
messy infastructure. I'd love to help when i'm an engineer :p
build. build. build. hey bosses, better you spent your money on improving what the city have had.



hand wave

the sanggar tari dance
bondan and fade 2 black in action

wohoo, finally the school music event's thingie has finished :) I'm kinda miss the crews and also the hectic situations hehe but well, I've got to face the truth that I'm now a third grader (wish me luck in 2010/2011 :D) and I guess I've had enough memories to remember when I'm graduated later. 
I've got enough karaoke time, I've got enough bowling strikes, I've got enough watching movies, I've got enough danger trip far away, I've got enough birthday gatherings, I've got enough gigs-to-go,  I've got enough being out from home all day long and so on. gotta postpone it for a while ;) (ih gayane) haha



morning world

this is my lousy t-shirt. it was my mother's. it's so comfortable even if it was ripped in several places hahaha the older tee you have, the more comfort to wear, rite?
hmm now it's 9 and a half hour. now it's already night. but lemme say goodmorning, an acronym for spirit. this is day minus twoooooooo for VOTE#10. Can't wait!! :-) It must be really joyable!


in Love

I'm so much in Love rite nowwww

found this Electro/Indie Pop band from Northern Ireland on Last.fm website. Downloaded their song titled Something Good Can Work and suddenly just love its beat  and somehow the vocalis's accent (Y) Woohoo, a new band to listen for sure!
me like Something Good Can Work. You're Not Stubborn, Undercover Martyn, What You Know, and I Can Talk<3




für den roten Himmel blaue Luftballons candy Gras gelbe Sonne Meer Green Ocean Vögel violetten Lilien Blume Land regen Filme Musiken iPod Computer-grau schwarz weiss zebra girrafe Photoshop Eis Kamera All Time Low Hellogoodbye Kunst Skizzenbuch Turnschuhe Gummischuhe Pink Orange Pfirsich Joghurt Donuts Scanner glow in the dunkle Fläche Sofa Magazin Pop-up-Kaffee-Tee Vitamin C Wolke Wind die Bäume und die wilden und alle wegen meiner Lieblingsbeschäftigungen.

Ich vermisse dich

pour le ciel rouge bleu bonbons ballons de la mer d'herbe jaune soleil vert oiseaux océan violet fleur de lys terres films pluie musiques iPod ordinateur gris noir blanc photoshop girrafe zèbre crème glacée appareil tous all time low hellogoodbye art chaussures en caoutchouc sketchbook espadrilles rose pêche yaourt orange beignets scanners brillent dans le sombre pop magazine avion canapé au café de vitamine C thé nuage brise les arbres et les sauvages et toutes les raisons de mes choses préférées.

Tu me manques

for the red sky blue balloons candy grass yellow sun sea green ocean birds violet lily flower land rain movies musics iPod computer gray black white zebra girrafe photoshop ice cream camera all time low hellogoodbye art sketchbook sneakers rubber shoes pink orange peach yoghurt donuts  scanners glow in the dark plane sofa magazine pop up coffee tea vitamin C cloud breeze the trees and the wild and all the sake of my favorite things.




 "Adieu saison qui finissez
Vous nous reviendrez aussi tendres"
 I know that death would finally come to our life. that death is something that exist in this universe. and that death is not just surreal. As surreal as when I saw your dead body placed inside the sepulcher's burrow, just about 4 days ago. I still remember it very well. It's like implicitly reminds me that we're so busy live in with our earth borne body, so busy pampering the outside without remembering that finally what we take is only those pieces of white fabric, and our advantage for the others, our knowledge.
I believe my God. I believe my religion. I believe that there would be a life after death, that soul is immortal. And our body is just a package of it. So then, with smile and readiness, I wish you a better life there. Your visibilities may bounded by time and destiny, but your knowledge would last. May your soul rest on His side, Grandpa :)
"Farewell season has finished
You will return to us as tender"



top 5 old skool band

1. The Beatles
LIKE THIS :) esp for the accent hehe 
♥ Help!, Hey Jude, Come Together 

 2. Queen
The iconic band. Can't get enough of bohemian rhapsody huehe 
♥ Bohemian Rhapsody, Bicycle
 3. Duran Duran
My mother was like crazy about this band. She was even rent a DVD of duran-duran's v clip when she was young hahaha and I have no wonder how I love British band, according to my mom :p 
♥ Rio, Hungry Like the Wolf
4. Carpenters
My parents, especially my mom often play its songs. And I'm influenced woohoo
 ♥ Can't Smile Without You, Close to You, We've Only Just Begun

5. The Smiths
suddenly love this band by its single on 500 days of summer :) 
 ♥ There's a Light That Never Goes Out, Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want 




we was playing on three line :-0 the bowling arena was suddenly get so noisy with our existences there hahaha it was very fun! I was point for two strike B-)


happy burstday, mocin

happy birthday ayusarita! she's seventeen now.
seventeen is an important year. It has to be surprising, fascinating haha because I think, seventeen (espescially for a girl) is a year that marks a maturity of a teenager. in seventeen years, you could drive yer own car. you could watch a plus film hahaha (it's a lie, those age parenting is just bullshit, isn't it?) ;p
hope you'll have a good year, pal!

made by me, him, anna, nina :)


sixteen :-)

happy birthday to me.

that day was a great day to pass. even there's no him around hehe. family sang a happy birthday when I woke up. friends give me some gifts, ririe&mas didot with their puzzle, nina and her shirt, anna and the toy paper, and the rewooos, wulan sinta izan uma sandy abel wanti maya ami erlina tia ayang rini, gave me a hand made lamp, and the rest gave me a burst of school pond's water and i'm goin wet -,.- 
and then I got home. took a shower. go to my mom's room. but then home's bell rang. my sister said that there's my friend outside. and then I came out. well there's him out there, standing, holding a plate of birthday cake, smiles to me. surprised. he said that he was goin out from city in the morning. and then he did a confession, week before that he acted like a shit ass, so annoying, full of badmood, and then he confessed that it was all for surprise. oh how I hate him that time haha and he gave me those picture above. it's from canvas, in black and white paint. again, thanky-o-u dude :-)

well now, it's almost a month I'm being a sixteen yeats old quirks. hope it would be a great year to pass and to learn. good start must be have a good end too, rite? xxxxo




since I was a kid, I always want to be an architect.
but I grew older and time keep elaborating my view about the working environment
ambassador, politician, doctor, socialist...
and now I'm in 11th grade. minus 1 year again to point what's actually I'm purposing to be
linking back to what I like. I like seeing buildings and suburbs. They're beautiful. Well seems like I'd like to be an architect, or an infrastructure planner, still :d


just so you know

you're nice, you're good.
and losing you is so not in my head right now.

Yes I'm careless and I'm sorry.




barusan saya dapat award :d

# award pertama
Yang musti dilakuin :
1. Banner Award tidak boleh di ubah, baik tulisan ,warna, dan signaturenya. Tapi kalau resize gambar boleh. (Banner ya bukah Header!)
2. Tuliskan siapa yang ngasih Award dan urlnya: Melia A. :)
3. Pilih 10 female blogger yang kamu kenal dan belum nerima Award ini,dan sebutkan alasan kenapa kamu pikir dia layak dapetin Award ini.


# award kedua dari Melia A. jugaa haha
dan kedua award itu saya bagikan kepada:

cool blogs B)



anywhere but here

I'm so lost this backadays. Lost about you. I feel so far away.
Where are you? Where are you?
Why should I shout your name? Why did I questions your existance?
How could I feel this way?
This is not the way I am. I never feel this way.
As I try to forget and being careless, the more I question, the more I did care
What is this? What is this?
Oh how the hell you could do this



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nice rite? :D




SUNDAY! Me and this bunch of schoolmates decided to spend our lazy day into a sweaty day with playing bowling!

haven't played yet

aliban got her turn first :d

anna and yoga waited their turn!

our today's top scorer; ARDA-left, then IZAN-right

what a tiring play, hungry? KFC awaits :9


What a bad game I had haha I'm in underdog place -______________- score of 11 or something zz but after that, 2 weeks later we played and I'm in a middle place with about 40 something score, wee-hoo! such an improvement rite? :P




Saya sedang nggak jelas dengan semuanya, semua rencana udah kebayang tapi nggak ada yang 100% beres. Saya tau mau ngelakuinnya gimana, tapi juga nggak kelaksana. Ibarat kaki deh ya, saya udah tau cara nendangnya tapi kok ya nggak mental - mental. Kenapa ya? Apa saya terlalu individual? Ah kayaknya saya juga udah terbuka sama yang lain. Apa ini cuma galau sementara? Kalau iya, mau sampai kapan? Waktu tuh jalan terus, kita nggak bisa diam aja.
Nah sekarang, badmood, nih kata menurut saya corny banget, walaupun saya sekarang entah kenapa sering dilanda badmood. I've never been so moody before. Ada aja deh suatu hal yang bikin gak asik sekarang - sekarang ini, mau dari yang nggak penting dari laper, nyampe yang serius kayak pertemanan. Hm, now things are getting so much more complicated ya, nggak semua yang kita pengen tuh gampang buat diraih, kita juga msti bisa struggle with ourselves. I have plenty of friends to having fun, bunches to share some stories, but none to rely on :)



can't get enough of

since we know that her stage performance is always unpredictable, I was just curious about what she would perform, in a country like this, like Indonesia. With her eccentric fashion taste and blah blah blah, and about her stage decoration! viva la just dance

got her web from BabyBoss magazine! I like the way she mix a pencil art with fashion daily. It was just artsy. Heart the idea, combining a pure pencil art with watercolor! brilliant, isn't it?

I have a friends that looks like RUSSEL, funny, chubby, and silly haha I always laugh when she shouts 'good afternoon, my name is Russel', or 'I'm the one blablabla should be explored, Gaa Gaaa, RAWR!'. Really a stress-free theraphy. And since our journal club, sigma, like to repeat that scene, we made a new tagline too.... 'Sigma, should be explored! Gaa Gaa RAWR'

since that wi - fi is just everywhere, and since that my phone could catch its signal, and since I couldn't be far of my phone, I can't get enough of tweeting. Sounds trashy, rite? Your tweet your bear, but also your news. If I got boring, open it up make you seems not alone. trust me

i'm hungry!



My school were holding a study trip in Pangandaran. 4 days. research. we. the students. about three weeks ago!
even firstly it was heard like so 'e-u-w-h'. it's really fun actually. here's the pict :-)

economic train. so hot. but music helps anyway

after 5 hours train trip. 1 hour bus trip. small bus. raining


day 1; research

my team's research is about goa rengganis. to go there, we had to rent a boat!

this is the isle we pass. me and hera (my team mates) love it so much!

before we went to goa rengganis, the guide took us to some other cave.OK, finally, RENGGANIS :) we took some sample then went to our hotel back.

in the afternoon. we bike a tandem around the beach. drinking degan and footstepping in a shore!
midnight laugh!

day 2; research? what is that?
snorkling with classmates&friends!
above; seeing the pangandaran shore

climb into the waterfall!
the waterfall was great! kesananya aja udah bikin melengos. 2 hours full walking with just 3 bottles of aqua! buat sebelas orang \m/ nyampe sana hujan, pulangnya busyet licin gitu naik guunung. cool <3